The difficulty with writing a blog is that even though you know very few people will read it, you never quite know who those few are. Nevertheless I started this a way to clear my thoughts, and share them with anyone who wanted to know. So I'll keep going.

It's been a strange week so far, and it isn't over yet. Tea-Time Worship, our attempt at a family-friendly service, was thinly attended, although that isn't so unusual. It's still quite depressing though. If everyone came at the same time it would be a serious challenge to all fit in, but I'd rather have that than the low turnout and the feel of bleeding to death. (So if anyone reading this is an occasional visitor, please let me know why. Thank you.)

Tuesday was a day of confusions and chaos with me totally losing track of when Good Friday is and sending multiple emails to the Christians in the business community here and then having to send a further email to tell them to ignore the one I'd just sent. Add to that I found out that a meeting I absolutely have to be at is scheduled for the second day of my holiday, which will absorb precious holiday time and petrol as I have to make an extra return trip to Norfolk. Some good did come out of it though - it forced me to accept that the Filofax Parson's Pocket Book insert wasn't big enough and that the only way to make sure I kept my diary in order was to forget about using both the paper and the computer one and just go back to the good old brick: the Church Book & Desk Diary. (And how come it looks more like a Bible when carried around than a Bible?)

Wednesday had a very useful and enjoyable Chapter meeting looking at Stem Cell Therapy, Therapeutic Cloning and Reproductive Cloning and opening up the whole discussion on scientific ethics, where life begins, human capability and falleness etc. Maybe the comment that most stuck with me though arose from the host vicar as I left about the difficulty of engaging in mission in the contemporary context and the question of whether we are all trying to re-invent the wheel.

I drove home thinking about that. When I arrived here at the end of 2003 I had intended to take 6 months just building connections before starting anything, but other factors intervened, which led to the starting of Tea Time Worship. I'm not quite sure how, but I have a suspicion that qualifies as a Fresh Expression, although I think it's pretty tame and "safe." A way in for people beginning to think about faith, maybe for the first time in years, and as a means to pick-up and retain baptismal families. But it is a slow haul.

I just had this niggling feeling as I drove home that I might look back in 10 or 15 years time and regret that I hadn't spent the time as well as I could, that I hadn't taken enough risks in a new environment. Curacy is not really a good grounding for the role of Mission-Priest (or whatever you choose to call it). I know how to be a pastor, and enough about "running the ship", but not about "going fishing". I found myself questioning why, if as I have stated many times before, I believe you earn the right to speak the Gospel based on you relationships, why had I immediately started to try to clone a parish church here? Why have I tried to spread things so far as to stop me building the very relationships and bridges I need to make?

A good discussion in House Group last night pushed the thoughts further - to the point of the realisation that I am selling a product nobody thinks they need. Like trying to sell a pension to a billionaire, or even trying to sell an abacus when people want a computer. I meet plenty of folks full of the best intentions, but they never come to fruition as church, let alone faith, becomes one other leisure activity that we enjoy and will do when we have the spare time, maybe. It's not about marketing and packaging, I think it is the product itself.

Sometime back we were questioning whether Kings Hill needed a church building, and it would certainly have some advantages - some form of "concrete" presence in the built environment, a statement of the church's concern for the 6000 or so who live here, not to mention a facility we wouldn't have to book and could leave set up ready for use and have ample storage space. But I'm beginning to have second thoughts (or having the first ones again perhaps?) Even if the money were forthcoming to build it (and I am still no clearer on the source of it and the timescale) I'm not sure if we could really afford to run and maintain it. My post is fully subsidised and I am stipendiary. At some point a "share" will be requested and as yet we're not even meeting the minister's legitimate working expenses. Is it really reasonable to try to maintain a building too. It might be a wealthy place, but we aren't. Nationally, although we try to hide it, the church is in a decline that makes extinction a real possibility unless we evolve, and part of that evolution will probably one of scale. Kings Hill is hardly lacking in large houses for "church" to meet in.

I'm beginning to think I need to be far more radical, but I haven't quite cracked how. I know I need to lead. But it's taking a long time to come to the realisation that I am a leader. If I don't take the chances to do fresh things now I might never have the opportunity to do it again. (Although I mustn't be too negative - I caught myself this evening thinking that if I put all the energy that I put into Role-Playing Games into church then things would be a lot better. There are just two problems with that. I would cease to have a "life" - and with it a valuable contact with a the gaming sub-community, who need to discover Jesus too . But more importantly I do put that energy in already, and more, it's called being the Minister!)

Answers on a "comment" please...

¶ 8:44 pm